Irwin Goes to Hell by Jason Pomerantz
“Oh, Irwin,” Eileen said, “I’d like to marry you, but I can’t. You see, you’re much too contrary.”
“What? I am not contrary!”
“Yes, you really are.”
“I am not!”
“You are.”
“I’m not!”
This went on for quite some time. All through the main course and desert in fact. Finally, after Irwin had handed his VISA card to the waiter, he gave in. “All right, all right! Maybe I am a little contrary. But I promise to change. Then will you marry me?”
Eileen considered. “Well… I guess so. But you’ll have to prove it to me.” She let out a loud burp while she considered how he could so do. “Oh, pardon me. Say, I know! Here’s how you’ll show me you’re no longer contrary. The next thing anyone tells you, you’ll agree to, no matter what it is.”
“That’s just silly! What an absurd suggestion.” “Irwin!” Eileen’s look carried a stern warning, and he quickly backed down.
“Okay, okay! I don’t know if this is such a good idea, but, to prove my love to you, I’ll do it. The next thing anyone tells me, I’ll agree to, no matter what, starting right now.”
Eileen took both his hands in her’s. “Oh, Irwin, that’s wonderful. If you truly do as you say, I’ll marry you right away!”
They both smiled with joy as the waiter rested the credit card slip and a pen on the table.
Now, Irwin’s worst flaw, by far, was his contraryness, but he did have one other. He was a generous man in most things, but for some reason, he had always been a terrible tipper.
So, when the waiter picked up the completed slip and examined it, his eyes opened wide and he scowled. Then he said to Irwin, in a low voice, but one loud enough for Eileen to hear clearly, “A dollar-fifty tip on a fifty-five dollar meal? Go to hell!” Then he turned in a dignified huff and walked away.
Irwin shrugged, and helped Eileen on with her coat. “Well,” she said, as they left the restaurant, “I guess you know what to do.”
“What do you mean?”
“You heard the waiter. Go to hell. That was the first thing anyone said to you, since our agreement began. You agreed to do exactly as you were told.”
Irwin was flabbergasted. “But… but Eileen! I can’t!” “Now, now, dear, don’t go back to your old ways! You made a promise, now you’ve got to keep it.” “But Eileen! I can’t go to hell!”
Eileen stopped in her tracks, and put her hands on her hips. “Irwin, I don’t want to hear it. You said you’d prove your love for me, and I intend to hold you to it. Now you go straight to hell, or you’ll never see me again!”
“How, how do I get to hell?” Irwin wondered. It distracted him all the next day as he was working at his job at a paper factory. (He had worked there for many years now, and he had risen to foreman. His job was to supervise a crew that controlled the giant rollers that smoothed the pulp before compression into slices. He enjoyed his job, particularly since his promotion: Being boss gave him many opportunities to be contrary.) So, after the shift ended, he went to the only place he could think of where he might get some advice – a church.
Father Baskin sat him down in his office, and tried to make him comfortable. He knew that many were intimidated by his cloth, particularly those who weren’t as religious as they might be, so he tried his best to set him at ease. “Now then, son,” he said, “we haven’t seen you here in quite some time. What is it I can help you with? I understand you have a theological question?”
“Yes, father.” Irwin nodded. “It’s true, I don’t come here as often as I should. And, I guess I should admit it, I didn’t pay much attention in Sunday school. So… I hope you don’t think what I’m about to ask is too ignorant?”
Father Baskin shook his head gently. “Oh no, son. It is far better to seek knowledge late than never. There is no shame in being ignorant. Only in choosing to remain so.”
“Well then… I would very much like to know… How does one get to hell?” For just a split second Father Baskin felt disappointed. He had hoped for a unique question, something to stimulate him. This one he had heard a million times before. But he quickly regained control and felt glad that a lost soul was seeking to come home. “Why Irwin,” he answered, “it’s quite easy to get to hell. The road is wide and short. All one needs do is sin.” “Sin, father? If I sin, I go to hell?”
“That’s right.”
“Well… How do I know what is and is not a sin?” The priest frowned. “Hmm… Some people try to make the answer to that question long and complicated. But it really doesn’t need to be. I’ll put it as succinctly as I can. If one breaks the Ten Commandments, one is sinning.” Irwin nodded. This was quite helpful. “I see… If I break the Ten Commandments, I’ll be sinning.” He looked at father Baskin. “And then I’ll go to hell?” “That’s right son, then you’ll go to hell.” Irwin stood up and shook the priest’s hand. “Thank you father, thank you. I understand. I’m sure I’ll be all right now!” He left, and Father Baskin smiled to himself. He felt the man’s sincerity. Irwin would be fine.
Irwin was a very determined man. Once he made up his mind to do something, there was no stopping him. It wasn’t easy, but he finally located a bible, and eventually, though it involved an awful lot of squinting, he found the Ten Commandments. Just to be absolutely sure, he decided, he would break all of them.
